Coming to a Close – 2014

Wow.

I can’t believe it’s been seven months since I’ve last updated my blog. Life has definitely gotten in the way and prevented me from taking time out of my busy schedule to reflect and release. I wish I hadn’t allowed myself to be so consumed with my daily life because I can now feel its effects on my mental health and clarity. This is the main reason why I started this blog in the first place; to give myself a place and time to declutter my mind in order to stay focused and mentally clear.

So much has happened in the past seven months and I wish I had taken out the time to write things down, meditate on them, and grow from them. I truly believe that when things are visible, when one’s thoughts are plainly laid out in front of them, that is when real change can happen. You can see what you did, where you went wrong, meditate on your thoughts and actions, and develop as a person.

Although I have denied myself the privilege of recording the actions, feelings and thoughts of the past seven months, I can confidently say that I have grown and changed as a person. I can feel myself coming more into my own as time moves forward. I am not 100% sure about myself, nor do I think I will be anytime in the near future. But I can say that I am more sure about myself today than I was seven months ago and I am positive that I will be more sure about myself seven months in the future than I am today. That is the beauty of life. We are given endless opportunities to grow, change, fail, succeed, and mold ourselves into the type of spirit that we would like to embody and inevitably become.

I know now what needs to be done going forward. I can’t deny myself the opportunity of written word. Writing is where I can find myself, where I can learn exactly who Cynthia is and who Cynthia can become. I do plan on continuing this as time moves on. This is the one resolution I have for the upcoming year: to write. For when I write, I grow, I learn, I change, I become. And that is what I aim to do, not only next year, but in all the years to come.

As this will be my last post of the year, I will end by saying Merry Christmas, Happy New Years, and I will see you all in January.

Much love,

Cynthia

Travel.

Today I sat outside for the first time in a long time and I watched the sun set. It really was one of the most breathtaking sights that I’ve ever seen. 

Sometimes, I think that we take for granted this beautiful world that we’re apart of. Everyone is always so focused on their iPhones, Facebooking and Instagramming their lives away. We never take a moment to sit back and observe our surroundings. The world can be such an incredible place if we only looked up from our technology. 

Lately, I’ve been thinking about taking a volunteer trip. I want to go after I graduate college next December (whoop!!). I just feel like this world is way too big for me to stay stuck in Georgia for the rest of my life. I want to see everything that the earth has to offer. I want to experience nature, people, food, cultures, and the world outside of my protected bubble. I want to see how others live their daily lives. I want to see how children of different cultures grow up. I want to give my time, energy, and resources to other countries. I want to do something that will build up others around me. I don’t want to just graduate college, go on to graduate school, find a job, get married, have some babies, and settle down for the rest of my life. There’s nothing wrong with that, but I just desire so much more for myself. I want to explore, to experience, to live. 

I know this is what I desire for myself but I know that I must do what God wants for me. I hope that these are His plans for me because it’s something that I really want. I have to pray that my will aligns with His. 

 

Much love, 

Cynthia

 

I am beautiful

Why is it that we live in a society where it is unacceptable for people to feel good about themselves?

Whoa! Whoa! Cynthia, what are you even talking about? Clearly, you’re confused!

I mean, think about it. Whenever someone displays even the slightest bit of self confidence, they’re deemed cocky, overly confident, pompous. Have you ever heard someone say, “Damn, I am so smart,” or something along those lines? What was your initial reaction? Most likely “Who does this self righteous jerk think he/she is?” Now let’s flip the script. You hear someone say, “Man I am an idiot!” And what do you do? You think nothing of it. It’s normal. This is how people think. There’s nothing wrong with someone feeling bad about themselves.

Why is that? Why is it okay for someone to feel bad about themselves, but it’s a huge ordeal when they feel good about themselves? Why is it called “bragging” if someone builds themselves up through their words? Why is being humble synonymous with self depreciation?

This reminds of those two scenes in Mean Girls. (Everyone has seen Mean Girls, right? If you haven’t, you have clearly been living under a rock in a giant, dark cave.)

Regina: So, you’re like, really pretty.

Cady: Thanks:)

Regina: So you agree?

Cady: What?

Regina: You think you’re really pretty?

Cady: Um…well *uncomfortably fidgets in her seat*

Why couldn’t Cady look Regina in the eye and say “Yea Regina, I actually do think I’m really pretty.” We all know that Regina would have thought Cady was some stuck up new girl who had absolutely no right to feel that way. But why? Why can’t someone go out and say, “I’m really pretty,” without everyone having a conniption.

And the other scene:

Karen: God! My hips are huge!

Gretchen: Oh please, I hate my calves.

Regina: At least you guys can wear halters. I’ve got man shoulders!

Cady’s voice over: I used to think there was just fat and skinny. Apparently, there’s a lot of things that can be wrong on your body.

Gretchen: My hairline is so weird.

Regina: My pores are huge.

Karen: My nail beds suck!

*All turn to Cady expectantly*

Cady: …Um, I have really bad breath in the morning.

Karen: Ew.

Why are we expected to think poorly about ourselves? And, God forbid, if someone has only good things to say about themselves, they’re too big for their britches and they need to come off their high horse. We need to get out of this mindset. We need to stop thinking that it’s wrong to feel good about ourselves. It’s time we learn to compliment ourselves and build ourselves up through our words and thoughts without feeling guilty about being overly confident and self-absorbed. It’s okay to look in the mirror and say, “I am beautiful/smart/talented/funny/wise”. It’s okay.

I wish that everyone could feel like this. I wish everyone would say positive things about themselves. Today, I’m claiming it: I am beautiful. No, I don’t feel wrong for saying that. I am proud and I will always be.

 

Much love,

Cynthia

 

 

 

‘Tis in ourselves that we are thus or thus.

“Virtue? A fig! ‘Tis in ourselves that we are thus or thus. Our bodies are our gardens, to the which our wills are gardeners. So that if we will plant nettles or sow lettuce, set hyssop and weed up thyme, supply it with one gender of herbs or distract it with many—either to have it sterile with idleness, or manured with industry—why, the power and corrigible authority of this lies in our wills.”  -Iago

 

Ellie Goulding: Tessellate

Don’t you just love when you hear a song for the first time and you instantaneously feel this connection to it? Well that’s what happened when I heard this song today. I’ve listened to a couple of Ellie Goulding’s songs and I like her music but I wouldn’t consider myself a fan. But this song just spoke to me. I think it’s her voice, the instrumental, the beat, the way the music takes you to a different place, everything.
Anyways, I hope you like the song as much as I do. Enjoy.

-Cynthia

*Edit: Just learned that it’s actually not her song but just a cover of the original by Alt-J. Nevertheless, she does an amazing cover of the song. The original is equally as mesmerizing. You can listen to it here.

Making Money. Meeting Goals.

So we’ve entered the 2nd month of the New Year and, let’s be honest here, I have really been struggling with my goals. Setting goals and keeping them has always been a really weak point of mine but I’m working on it.

I am happy to report that I haven’t had to ask my parents for any money because of my awesome new job. That’s something that I am extremely proud of. But while I have been more self sufficient, it’s been really hard for me to control my spending and a lot of my money has been going to pizza dinners. That’s why I’ve taken on a new challenge that will force me to put money into my savings and will hopefully curb my desire of unpurposed spending. One of my goals for the year was to save $1,000. I had no clear plan of how I was going to accomplish this and as a result, not too much money has gone into my Savings account. But I found a chart that will allow me to reach my goal of saving $1,000 in a year. I recreated the chart with deposit amounts that would best fit my budget and this is what I came up with:

Week Deposit Amount Total Saved Week Deposit Amount Total Saved
1 $26.00 $26.00 27 $19.50 $617.50
2 $26.00 $52.00 28 $19.50 $637.00
3 $25.50 $77.50 29 $19.00 $656.00
4 $25.50 $103.00 30 $19.00 $675.00
5 $25.00 $128.00 31 $18.50 $693.50
6 $25.00 $153.00 32 $18.50 $712.00
7 $24.50 $177.50 33 $18.00 $730.00
8 $24.50 $202.00 34 $18.00 $748.00
9 $24.00 $226.00 35 $17.50 $765.50
10 $24.00 $250.00 36 $17.50 $783.00
11 $23.50 $273.50 37 $17.00 $800.00
12 $23.50 $297.00 38 $17.00 $817.00
13 $23.00 $320.00 39 $16.50 $833.50
14 $23.00 $343.00 40 $16.50 $850.00
15 $22.50 $365.50 41 $16.00 $866.00
16 $22.50 $388.00 42 $16.00 $882.00
17 $22.00 $410.00 43 $15.50 $897.50
18 $22.00 $432.00 44 $15.50 $913.00
19 $21.50 $453.50 45 $15.00 $928.00
20 $21.50 $475.00 46 $15.00 $943.00
21 $21.00 $496.00 47 $14.50 $957.50
22 $21.00 $517.00 48 $14.50 $972.00
23 $20.50 $537.50 49 $14.00 $986.00
24 $20.50 $558.00 50 $14.00 $1,000.00
25 $20.00 $578.00 51 $13.50 $1,013.50
26 $20.00 $598.00 52 $13.50 $1,027.00

As you can see, in one year (which will be Feb of 2015 since I started this week), I should have saved $1,027 based off of this chart. I have already made my first deposit of $26.00 and I’m excited to continue the rest. Having a clear plan definitely makes me feel more comfortable and confident about reaching my savings goal.

-Cynthia

*feel free to use this chart if your heart so desires

The College Diaries: My Freshman Year

“Man I love college.” -Asher Roth

I remember when I heard the words to Asher Roth’s song about college while I was in high school. It made me so excited to start college and have the time of my life. I thought that college would be the time that I would get to move out and make great friends and memories. And then when I decided to go to Georgia State, I was even more excited. I would be able to live downtown, I would make cool, urban friends, I would be in my element.

But then I realized that I would have to live at home and…commute. I was disappointed to say the least. All those visions I had of myself being free and happy while living in the city came crashing down. The horrible truth that I would have to live with my overbearing, overprotective, strict parents for the next 4 years tormented me all summer long. At the end of the summer, I said goodbye to my friends as they packed up their belongings and moved away to school while I returned home to the room that I shared with my younger sister.

While I was saddened by the fact that I would have to commute school, I decided to make the best of my situation and still have a good time. I thought that I would still be able to enjoy myself despite the fact that I didn’t live on campus. Boy, was I mistaken. Commuting to school was the worst experience ever. I had classes early in the morning so I had to get up at around 6 so I could take the train and make it downtown on time. My classes were also pretty close to each other so I didn’t have time to walk around and meet new people. By the time my classes ended in the late afternoon, I was tired and just wanted to lay down. Obviously, I did not make any friends during my freshman year. I was so miserable and lonely. I would always see people walking around and eating and laughing with their friends and I had none. The fact that I had absolutely zero friends depressed me. Most days, I would go to school and I wouldn’t speak to a single person.

I remember just wishing that things would get better and I would meet people and make friends. But that never happened.

Needless to say, my freshman year was not the best year. Not even close. But did things turn around during my sophomore year? I’ll discuss that in my next College Diaries post. Until next time.

-Cynthia