Coming to a Close – 2014

Wow.

I can’t believe it’s been seven months since I’ve last updated my blog. Life has definitely gotten in the way and prevented me from taking time out of my busy schedule to reflect and release. I wish I hadn’t allowed myself to be so consumed with my daily life because I can now feel its effects on my mental health and clarity. This is the main reason why I started this blog in the first place; to give myself a place and time to declutter my mind in order to stay focused and mentally clear.

So much has happened in the past seven months and I wish I had taken out the time to write things down, meditate on them, and grow from them. I truly believe that when things are visible, when one’s thoughts are plainly laid out in front of them, that is when real change can happen. You can see what you did, where you went wrong, meditate on your thoughts and actions, and develop as a person.

Although I have denied myself the privilege of recording the actions, feelings and thoughts of the past seven months, I can confidently say that I have grown and changed as a person. I can feel myself coming more into my own as time moves forward. I am not 100% sure about myself, nor do I think I will be anytime in the near future. But I can say that I am more sure about myself today than I was seven months ago and I am positive that I will be more sure about myself seven months in the future than I am today. That is the beauty of life. We are given endless opportunities to grow, change, fail, succeed, and mold ourselves into the type of spirit that we would like to embody and inevitably become.

I know now what needs to be done going forward. I can’t deny myself the opportunity of written word. Writing is where I can find myself, where I can learn exactly who Cynthia is and who Cynthia can become. I do plan on continuing this as time moves on. This is the one resolution I have for the upcoming year: to write. For when I write, I grow, I learn, I change, I become. And that is what I aim to do, not only next year, but in all the years to come.

As this will be my last post of the year, I will end by saying Merry Christmas, Happy New Years, and I will see you all in January.

Much love,

Cynthia

Travel.

Today I sat outside for the first time in a long time and I watched the sun set. It really was one of the most breathtaking sights that I’ve ever seen. 

Sometimes, I think that we take for granted this beautiful world that we’re apart of. Everyone is always so focused on their iPhones, Facebooking and Instagramming their lives away. We never take a moment to sit back and observe our surroundings. The world can be such an incredible place if we only looked up from our technology. 

Lately, I’ve been thinking about taking a volunteer trip. I want to go after I graduate college next December (whoop!!). I just feel like this world is way too big for me to stay stuck in Georgia for the rest of my life. I want to see everything that the earth has to offer. I want to experience nature, people, food, cultures, and the world outside of my protected bubble. I want to see how others live their daily lives. I want to see how children of different cultures grow up. I want to give my time, energy, and resources to other countries. I want to do something that will build up others around me. I don’t want to just graduate college, go on to graduate school, find a job, get married, have some babies, and settle down for the rest of my life. There’s nothing wrong with that, but I just desire so much more for myself. I want to explore, to experience, to live. 

I know this is what I desire for myself but I know that I must do what God wants for me. I hope that these are His plans for me because it’s something that I really want. I have to pray that my will aligns with His. 

 

Much love, 

Cynthia

 

I am beautiful

Why is it that we live in a society where it is unacceptable for people to feel good about themselves?

Whoa! Whoa! Cynthia, what are you even talking about? Clearly, you’re confused!

I mean, think about it. Whenever someone displays even the slightest bit of self confidence, they’re deemed cocky, overly confident, pompous. Have you ever heard someone say, “Damn, I am so smart,” or something along those lines? What was your initial reaction? Most likely “Who does this self righteous jerk think he/she is?” Now let’s flip the script. You hear someone say, “Man I am an idiot!” And what do you do? You think nothing of it. It’s normal. This is how people think. There’s nothing wrong with someone feeling bad about themselves.

Why is that? Why is it okay for someone to feel bad about themselves, but it’s a huge ordeal when they feel good about themselves? Why is it called “bragging” if someone builds themselves up through their words? Why is being humble synonymous with self depreciation?

This reminds of those two scenes in Mean Girls. (Everyone has seen Mean Girls, right? If you haven’t, you have clearly been living under a rock in a giant, dark cave.)

Regina: So, you’re like, really pretty.

Cady: Thanks:)

Regina: So you agree?

Cady: What?

Regina: You think you’re really pretty?

Cady: Um…well *uncomfortably fidgets in her seat*

Why couldn’t Cady look Regina in the eye and say “Yea Regina, I actually do think I’m really pretty.” We all know that Regina would have thought Cady was some stuck up new girl who had absolutely no right to feel that way. But why? Why can’t someone go out and say, “I’m really pretty,” without everyone having a conniption.

And the other scene:

Karen: God! My hips are huge!

Gretchen: Oh please, I hate my calves.

Regina: At least you guys can wear halters. I’ve got man shoulders!

Cady’s voice over: I used to think there was just fat and skinny. Apparently, there’s a lot of things that can be wrong on your body.

Gretchen: My hairline is so weird.

Regina: My pores are huge.

Karen: My nail beds suck!

*All turn to Cady expectantly*

Cady: …Um, I have really bad breath in the morning.

Karen: Ew.

Why are we expected to think poorly about ourselves? And, God forbid, if someone has only good things to say about themselves, they’re too big for their britches and they need to come off their high horse. We need to get out of this mindset. We need to stop thinking that it’s wrong to feel good about ourselves. It’s time we learn to compliment ourselves and build ourselves up through our words and thoughts without feeling guilty about being overly confident and self-absorbed. It’s okay to look in the mirror and say, “I am beautiful/smart/talented/funny/wise”. It’s okay.

I wish that everyone could feel like this. I wish everyone would say positive things about themselves. Today, I’m claiming it: I am beautiful. No, I don’t feel wrong for saying that. I am proud and I will always be.

 

Much love,

Cynthia

 

 

 

‘Tis in ourselves that we are thus or thus.

“Virtue? A fig! ‘Tis in ourselves that we are thus or thus. Our bodies are our gardens, to the which our wills are gardeners. So that if we will plant nettles or sow lettuce, set hyssop and weed up thyme, supply it with one gender of herbs or distract it with many—either to have it sterile with idleness, or manured with industry—why, the power and corrigible authority of this lies in our wills.”  -Iago

 

Ellie Goulding: Tessellate

Don’t you just love when you hear a song for the first time and you instantaneously feel this connection to it? Well that’s what happened when I heard this song today. I’ve listened to a couple of Ellie Goulding’s songs and I like her music but I wouldn’t consider myself a fan. But this song just spoke to me. I think it’s her voice, the instrumental, the beat, the way the music takes you to a different place, everything.
Anyways, I hope you like the song as much as I do. Enjoy.

-Cynthia

*Edit: Just learned that it’s actually not her song but just a cover of the original by Alt-J. Nevertheless, she does an amazing cover of the song. The original is equally as mesmerizing. You can listen to it here.

Making Money. Meeting Goals.

So we’ve entered the 2nd month of the New Year and, let’s be honest here, I have really been struggling with my goals. Setting goals and keeping them has always been a really weak point of mine but I’m working on it.

I am happy to report that I haven’t had to ask my parents for any money because of my awesome new job. That’s something that I am extremely proud of. But while I have been more self sufficient, it’s been really hard for me to control my spending and a lot of my money has been going to pizza dinners. That’s why I’ve taken on a new challenge that will force me to put money into my savings and will hopefully curb my desire of unpurposed spending. One of my goals for the year was to save $1,000. I had no clear plan of how I was going to accomplish this and as a result, not too much money has gone into my Savings account. But I found a chart that will allow me to reach my goal of saving $1,000 in a year. I recreated the chart with deposit amounts that would best fit my budget and this is what I came up with:

Week	Deposit Amount	Total Saved		Week	Deposit Amount	Total Saved
1	$26.00	$26.00		27	$19.50	$617.50
2	$26.00	$52.00		28	$19.50	$637.00
3	$25.50	$77.50		29	$19.00	$656.00
4	$25.50	$103.00		30	$19.00	$675.00
5	$25.00	$128.00		31	$18.50	$693.50
6	$25.00	$153.00		32	$18.50	$712.00
7	$24.50	$177.50		33	$18.00	$730.00
8	$24.50	$202.00		34	$18.00	$748.00
9	$24.00	$226.00		35	$17.50	$765.50
10	$24.00	$250.00		36	$17.50	$783.00
11	$23.50	$273.50		37	$17.00	$800.00
12	$23.50	$297.00		38	$17.00	$817.00
13	$23.00	$320.00		39	$16.50	$833.50
14	$23.00	$343.00		40	$16.50	$850.00
15	$22.50	$365.50		41	$16.00	$866.00
16	$22.50	$388.00		42	$16.00	$882.00
17	$22.00	$410.00		43	$15.50	$897.50
18	$22.00	$432.00		44	$15.50	$913.00
19	$21.50	$453.50		45	$15.00	$928.00
20	$21.50	$475.00		46	$15.00	$943.00
21	$21.00	$496.00		47	$14.50	$957.50
22	$21.00	$517.00		48	$14.50	$972.00
23	$20.50	$537.50		49	$14.00	$986.00
24	$20.50	$558.00		50	$14.00	$1,000.00
25	$20.00	$578.00		51	$13.50	$1,013.50
26	$20.00	$598.00		52	$13.50	$1,027.00

As you can see, in one year (which will be Feb of 2015 since I started this week), I should have saved $1,027 based off of this chart. I have already made my first deposit of $26.00 and I’m excited to continue the rest. Having a clear plan definitely makes me feel more comfortable and confident about reaching my savings goal.

-Cynthia

*feel free to use this chart if your heart so desires

The College Diaries: My Freshman Year

“Man I love college.” -Asher Roth

I remember when I heard the words to Asher Roth’s song about college while I was in high school. It made me so excited to start college and have the time of my life. I thought that college would be the time that I would get to move out and make great friends and memories. And then when I decided to go to Georgia State, I was even more excited. I would be able to live downtown, I would make cool, urban friends, I would be in my element.

But then I realized that I would have to live at home and…commute. I was disappointed to say the least. All those visions I had of myself being free and happy while living in the city came crashing down. The horrible truth that I would have to live with my overbearing, overprotective, strict parents for the next 4 years tormented me all summer long. At the end of the summer, I said goodbye to my friends as they packed up their belongings and moved away to school while I returned home to the room that I shared with my younger sister.

While I was saddened by the fact that I would have to commute school, I decided to make the best of my situation and still have a good time. I thought that I would still be able to enjoy myself despite the fact that I didn’t live on campus. Boy, was I mistaken. Commuting to school was the worst experience ever. I had classes early in the morning so I had to get up at around 6 so I could take the train and make it downtown on time. My classes were also pretty close to each other so I didn’t have time to walk around and meet new people. By the time my classes ended in the late afternoon, I was tired and just wanted to lay down. Obviously, I did not make any friends during my freshman year. I was so miserable and lonely. I would always see people walking around and eating and laughing with their friends and I had none. The fact that I had absolutely zero friends depressed me. Most days, I would go to school and I wouldn’t speak to a single person.

I remember just wishing that things would get better and I would meet people and make friends. But that never happened.

Needless to say, my freshman year was not the best year. Not even close. But did things turn around during my sophomore year? I’ll discuss that in my next College Diaries post. Until next time.

-Cynthia

Let the Church Say Amen

“But in my distress I cried out to the Lord; yes I prayed to my God for help. He heard me from his sanctuary; my cry to him reached his ears.” (Psalms 18:6)

Y’all. (Yes I had to pull out my southern drawl for this one.)

When I tell you that the Lord is good….He is so GOOD! He heard my cries and has answered my prayers. As a poor college student, one of the things that I really want is a job. I want a way to earn money and experience while I’m in school. That’s definitely not unusual for any college student. All of the ones that I know would do anything for a job. I had a really brief stint at a clothing store at the mall but that didn’t work out. Once that job was over, I started looking really hard for a new job and one that was preferably pretty close to campus.

So anyways, at the end of the summer semester of 2013, I noticed that the bookstore at my school had a sign saying that they were looking for help. Y’all, when I tell you I ran in that store so fast to find out how to apply, I am not even playing. I applied once I finished talking to an associate, and within two weeks they hired me as a temp.

One thing you should know is that at the bookstore, we have something called Rush. Rush is basically the week before school starts (Pre-Rush), the first week of school (Rush), and the second week of school (Post-Rush). These three weeks are extremely busy. There are thousands of students coming in to buy textbooks, return textbooks, pick up orders, complain about orders, etc etc. So a bunch of temps are hired in order to help with the flow of things. After this three week period, most of the temps leave and the manager may hire a few temps permanently if he/she so desires. Fall 2013, when I started working, I first had to go through a two week orientation. It was here that everyone was told that there was a possibility that they would get hired permanently after rush. So after the three week rush period my manager called me into his office and gave me this whole spiel about how he’s going to have to cut down hours and told me that he would call me back if he needed me. I was disappointed of course, but I was only a temp and I knew that there was a possibility that I wouldn’t get hired permanently.

Anyways (fast forward to the better part of the story) I got called back to work for Spring 2014 rush. I did an awesome job this year (if I do say so myself) and my manager hired me! I think there were a lot of factors that caused my manager to choose to hire me. For one thing, I already had the experience and I knew how to do my job and do it well. I wasn’t new and uncomfortable like last semester. I knew exactly what needed to be done and I just went ahead and did it. Also, I made sure that I was friendly with the people whose opinions would matter. Those people being my manager, my team lead, and my team members who were already permanent employees. I was polite, I smiled, I spoke to everyone, I did my job. At the end of the day though, I am just so grateful that I was hired. I didn’t realize how much I loved my job until today when I realized that I wanted to be hired so badly.

Remember back in my Reflections post when I talked about becoming more self sufficient? Yea…that’s God for you. I just thank God and the heavens for answering my prayers. He has truly heard my cries.

-Cynthia

The College Diaries: Entry #1

As I have mentioned before, I am currently a sophomore in college. I’m studying English with a concentration in Pre-Education and I’m also thinking about minoring in Spanish. With that being said, college is hard work. It’s not hard in the sense of the academics is difficult, but it’s more the independence and the responsibility that is placed upon me as a college student. I’m expected to do so many things on my own now – study, homework, study groups, contacting my professors – and I have no idea how to do it all. It’s like I’m expected to be this adult but in my mind, I’m still this young, impressionable, hormonal kid. I don’t think I ever transitioned from child to adult and it’s really hindering…everything.

I want to be a grown up. I really do. I want to be able to do things on my own without anyone giving me step by step directions while holding my hand. When I think about the situation that I am in, I always tell myself, “Cynthia, it’s time to act like an adult.” I mean like, come on. I’m in college studying to be an English teacher, yet I can’t even get my own mess together. I wish there was a guide book to this. A ” How to be a Grown Up 101″. Maybe then I’d finally be able to get my ish together.

-Cynthia

Appreciating the Little Things.

I don’t think that I take enough time out to just sit back and appreciate everything, especially the little things. I know that God has my back on so many things but I take so much of it for granted. Just two weeks ago in my Reflections post, I was talking about how I wanted to become more self sufficient and I didn’t want to have to ask my parents for everything. 

Now, I work in the city, but I don’t have a car which means I have to take public transportation to work. Now a few days before my first day back, I realized that I didn’t have any money on my bus card. I was starting to get upset because I realized that I would most likely have to ask my dad for $20 so I could get to work. But when I say that God was looking out for me, he was. I suddenly received a check in the mail for $20…the exact amount that I needed to get to work. 

Now someone might read this and say, “Cynthia, that was just your little overtime check, that was NOT God!” But I know that He was looking out for me. I don’t know. I just took it as a message that God knows exactly what I want to accomplish this year and He is on my side and will help me along the way. I guess it all depends on how you look at things. But for me, that $20 check, which most people wouldn’t have appreciated, was the sign from God that I needed. 

I am so thankful for God and all that He’s done for me. I pray I see more of his miracles throughout the year.

-Cynthia